How to not need validation from a man
When we get rejected, treated poorly, or someone blows hot and cold in a relationship with us, we often become stuck and fixated on that person. Usually when this happens, our interest in this person turns into a fevered obsession and we go to great lengths to get them to notice us. We will engage in shape shifting behaviours, where we stop being ourselves and try to turn into whatever we think they might like best. We will jump through hoop after hoop hoping to demonstrate just how special and unique we are, so that they will change their minds about us. Why do we do this? Is it because, if we actually get them to change their minds about us then that somehow proves our worth?SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: The Validation Paradox: Finding Your Best Through Others - Jeffrey Shaw - TEDxLincolnSquare
SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: Learning To Love Yourself + Seeking Validation From MenContent:
13 Approval seeking behaviours you need to stop
When we get rejected, treated poorly, or someone blows hot and cold in a relationship with us, we often become stuck and fixated on that person. Usually when this happens, our interest in this person turns into a fevered obsession and we go to great lengths to get them to notice us. We will engage in shape shifting behaviours, where we stop being ourselves and try to turn into whatever we think they might like best. We will jump through hoop after hoop hoping to demonstrate just how special and unique we are, so that they will change their minds about us.
Why do we do this? Is it because, if we actually get them to change their minds about us then that somehow proves our worth? I told you I was right about me. When we look to others to show us our worth, they are always going to fall short. When we have low self-esteem we have become so comfortable with our own negative thoughts and beliefs about ourselves that we will actually seek out people and situations that confirm those beliefs. We have become so used to the idea that love equals pain and that what we are calling love is actually us seeking validation and begging to have someone show us our worth.
If someone healthy did show up in our lives that was interested in us and was offering us the relationship that we claim we want, we would run like hell, because it goes against everything that we believe about ourselves and we would feel incredibly uncomfortable. So instead we inadvertently seek out people that evoke those feelings of unworthiness in us.
It becomes a never ending cycle and you may go from relationship to relationship and find your-self in the same situation, with the same guy, who just happens to have a different face. You teach people how to treat you, so start treating you right. When you change the way that you feel about you, you will stop seeking validation and relationships from unwilling sources. They are too busy living their lives … next.
Yes… this is why I am content to be alone. I may slip into the game, occasionally, of thinking my sense of worth is in the eye of others, but essentially I am much happier in my solitude rather than attempting to gain the love and affection of another, which ultimately, is based on ego in most people… which seeks to validate itself through others.
Validation through others is an illusion we tell ourselves, when we experience each other through the filter of ego, because we do not know how to see through the eyes of spirit. This takes work and effort to heal oneself from those things that caused us to move into any egoic pattern where we seek to be seen by others. Seeing self and seeing others through the eyes of spirit is tricky without this healing and without the discipline of meditation and mindfulness.
But it is possible. I decided to get healthy and lose weight. My husband lacks in the attention Dept. Anyway planning on getting a tattoo of celebration of weight loss journey, my husband suggested looking on IG for ideas. But then here it came again.. Talk about strangulation…. I can only hope to be able to validate myself! Before I turn Thank you.. I really needed to hear this..
How can we help build each other up and work on our self esteem as a group exercises and not just talking about it such as meet up fir walks , meet to go bowling , learn to get back into ourselves.
I am an introvert person and I need to come out if this shell and meet different people we can all help one another.. You posted this SIX years ago but this was rlly helpful as I just found out today on my own about this i read an article about smth else and they mentioned this in afew words and i realized that i was doing it too … And it helped me understand more..
Could not have said it better myself. This is exactly what I do and feel. This will help me better communicate to my therapist so that she can help me set healthy boundaries and start living for myself I stead of pleasing others. Thank you for this post! This just happened to me for the first time. But I became depressed when I was hit with some news a few years back, and this girl came along.
She was just a friend and then it grew. I denied it at first as she fell for me, then I fell for her and she ran. The recipe was perfect for me. Challenge mixed with passion! So me being ambitious chased. It was like the notebook. But then it turned ugly when she rejected me for another guy. So I immediately stop talking to her.
She gets mad and ask why do I care and why am I not talking to her. The girl is crazy! I was weak because I was depressed so I gave another chance and she did it again. I cold turkey it! No communication for a year and works in the same area as me. She looks all sad like I broke her heart?!?! So I let it go and talk to her last week. Like why does it matter so much that I talk to her, when she clearly disses me.
Leave these types of people alone when it comes to love. Just be friends and leave it at that. Wish I had found this 2 years ago. Thanks for this. Fantastic article and so poignant for my current situation. Thank you Savannah for all your posts- in some cases they are life-savers. Great post, but still a bit confused.. I feel I am okay with myself but every time I see someone beautiful or someone who is interested in me..
I will go for them…. He is rich and well-bred. I am not rich. He emotionally drains me. I know it. But I always give him the benefit of doubt. I compare myself to him. Why would anyone entertain such a bully? But I have the following in my defense, — His father has recently been diagnosed with a terminal illness, so he cries to me and i feel as a human i must hear him out.
So the next time he calls for emotional support which would basically be a booty call, how do I protect myself from psychological abuse and still be a good human to him? I want to be able to NOT want him or need him. I want my self esteem back like I had before we met. I was happy before him, why cant I be happy now.
When one has stronger feeling for the other then this is not a friendship. You are the underdog. He has the power. We learn the hard way. These are great, spot-on points. I have struggled with this most of might life. I am very aware of it. I have been working on trying to like myself with only small, short-term successes.
Yes, I was seeking validation, of my worth, through his love. When I felt loved by him, I was radiant… everyone commented. I am no doormat… I thought anyways that I had a good sense of self-worth. I am well-read.
I meditate, exercise, and know a heck of a lot about psychology. But I got duped. Despite previous work , I see I never actually gave myself permission to really love myself. I should have punched him in the face, instead of scratching my head wondering why he had changed. Learning so much from this blog, thank you so much. This blog truly is a service. After this trauma I am walking away realizing that self-love and respect is no luxury or self-indulgence somehow I think I learned that it is a protective factor and also our birthright.
I will absolutely drop kick anyone who ever tries to me feel bad about myself. I somehow agree to an extent with this article and there are points that I feel are off base , not everyone shape shifts their personality to obtain validation , at times one can genuinely be themselves and seek validation in a relationship.
Sacha I agree with your comment to an extent but I feel much of it is off base.
Hey there, I’m Sim
Speak your heart out. Trying to please people will drain your energy. Mark questioned if the food will be good. Neither of us had tried the food at this place before.
As I progress into my young adult life, and further, into my womanhood, I find myself more and more aware of the need to be validated in my every day, whether in the workplace, academically or socially. I can only speak from personal experience, but hopefully by writing this I can begin to uncover the truths of my experiences. What I know is that, through various conversations I have had with fellow women, the feeling of needing to be validated is not a singular experience. Seeking validation in men, and not finding what it is I expect or think I want and need, can be disparaging when trying to cultivate a fulfilled and empowered self.
I wrote this in response to a post from David at How to Beast. I had this problem myself for many years. Mainly, you care too much about the opinions of other people. Not only their opinions, but their approval. If you continue down this path of seeking endless validation…you will be easily used and manipulated by others, no better than a puppet on a string. As a man in the modern world, you have three different types of unhealthy social validation you need to watch out for. None of these are harmful outright. Superhero…jet-setting billionaire…a guy who gets girls…anyone you want to be.
13 Ways To Stop Seeking The Approval Of Others & Feel Super Confident
Some of us care way too much about what other people think of us. We could all learn to care a little bit less about the opinion of others. You march to the beat of your own drum. You do things your way, and people either love that quality in you, or they hate it.
I have a desire to be adored by men. As an adolescent, these expectations ran through my head constantly. Pathetic, right?
I’m in Love. But I Still Crave the Attention of Other Men.
Whether you're trying to get hundreds of likes on Instagram or hoping to connect with someone on Tinder, sometimes it can seem like our happiness depends on other people in today's society. But there are ways to stop seeking approval of others. The key is to begin with addressing your own thought process.SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: ALLOW NO MAN TO VALIDATE YOU!🚫
No matter who you are, dating can be a rough ordeal. We all try our best to be the most attractive version of ourselves, glossing over our faults and unpleasant memories, stressing whatever traits we think will win us brownie points with the person across the table. But what if the feeling of wanting to get your date's approval never goes away? Yes, most people put on a bit of a facade as they're getting to know someone, but real intimacy starts to blossom when both people in an early relationship start letting each other in. If you find yourself writhing with stress a few months into a relationship, constantly feeling like you're going to be "found out," you may be struggling with a pervasive need for external approval.
The psychology behind seeking validation (and Why YOU need it?)
Try approving of yourself and see what happens. Some of my most effective mood-boosters included:. These are all perfectly valid approaches to feeling better, but they all hinge on praise and external support. Getting help from others is only one part of the equation. We also need to be able to validate, support, and help ourselves. Of course, this assumes you already keep a gratitude journal to recognize and celebrate all the good things in your day. When you regularly praise yourself, self-validation becomes a habit you can depend on when you need it the most. Then by all means, make it if you want to.